Loss

Recently I experienced a huge loss. My beloved brother, my only brother died of cancer after a short battle with the illness. It's hard to put into words the pain of losing someone so close. To see them struggle and fade away, to see the hope disappearing from their life, as the disease takes hold.

Even now, thinking of it makes me shrink from hurt, but at the time, while we cared for him at home during his last few days, the goal was not on the mourning, but on making him as comfortable as possible. I did not allow myself to fall apart or cry while caring for him and I am so grateful he was surrounded by a family who loved him to bits.

The day he died will always stay with me, but after he passed away I needed something to occupy my mind and my hands, just to gain some peace, even for a short while. But how do you focus on anything when your heart is torn to shreds? I could not hold attention for more than 5 minutes on anything, whether a movie, book, or anything. But I had my knitting with me, a sweater I was knitting for the last three years and had to start 3 times already. A sweater I knitted while my brother was resting after another dose of morphine.

Knitting was the only occupation that held my focus, that held me together. One stitch at a time I finally finished the sweater. The last sweater I made while my brother was still here. It's so easy to dismiss crafting as something not important, old-fashioned, or redundant. But it's a crucial occupation for the sake of its own creation, enabling us to put our attention, heart and soul into something we will cherish forever. And it allows us to bind our memories and feelings that we experience at the time into an emotional tapestry that help us get through the worst of times while producing something beautiful.